Clean the Counter, Purge the Peninsula
I love a cleaning blog called FlyLady that coined the phrase “hot spots” when referencing cluttered places in your home where junk collects. Interestingly, couples get “hot spots” in their relationship that can be seasonal, around holidays, or particular routine activities.
One of the most significant “hot spots” that couples face is house maintenance and who does what. For example, how did your couple decide who does the bathrooms or who cooks? Was there even an active decision made at all? And once your roles were determined, have they stayed that way through all the changes your relationship or family went through?
Many heterosexual couples fall into “traditional roles” where women do the cooking, cleaning, and childcare, and men focus on their careers. But what happens when the woman has a job outside the home too? Does she then do both her job and all traditional roles? This “hot spot” in relationships can cause resentment because expectations are not met.
I often wonder how women still land in these roles today, even when they don’t want to be there. I know where my strengths are in regards to keeping a house organized, but why do I have those abilities in particular. Are they things that I am naturally good at, or were they taught to me because I was a female?
Aside from the physical act of cleaning, many women experience strong emotions when the house lacks organization. I have heard women say they can’t think clearly with a messy home, while others have a more extreme response and can’t even focus enough to clean it. What is the root of this anxiety? One possible source is societal messages of shame related to the presentation of the home if it isn’t tidy enough for guests. This is evident in the fact that when guests do arrive, the first thing many women do is apologize for the state of their house.
This often-added pressure can cause the “hot spot” in the relationship to flare up into a raging fire. The key to dousing the fire and preventing the “hot spot” from flaring up again is working together. And like so many other problems that couples face, this starts with communication.
Melissa’s Monthly Tips
1. Decide who does what by playing to the strengths of the individual
2. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you can’t do it all. If resources are available or an available family member, ask for help
3. Do a little cleaning each day to stay on top of everything, don’t save it ALL for the weekends
